Sunday, March 29, 2009
FINGERPRINTS
Today, I sit and reflect on all the bastards I have been with. I feel their rusty fingertips colliding against my coffee skin. Sometimes, I shiver at the aroma of cologne. The inability to recant any of those pigs weakens my spirit, devours my soul and quite frankly, creates a harsh resistance to a trusting relationship. IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE TRUTH - STOP NOW AND GET OFF MY PAGE.
It all started when I was a mere lassie, close to six years old or so. Playing hiding-go-seek with the neighborhood boys who always seemed to be looking for jollies. Teenage babysitters getting their rocks off too. Even mature relative cousins seeing what IT was like. I suppose its easier to get it from someone who is younger because they have no idea what's happening. Taking advantage of innocense is what I call it.
Why was I the target? Where was my mother? How come she didn't protect me? How come I didn't know it wasn't okay?
Today my confidence has been raped. Today I have visions of those bastard rubbing and tugging over my surface. Today, snippets of their ruff hands play in my head over and over. The attic, the station wagon, under the preschool table, neighbor's laundry room, and the list continues . . .
Inside I am screaming, but no one hears my pain. No one really understands the trauma, the outcome, the afterlife, the risks, the neverending reputation associated with me no matter how hard I try, and most all, the paralyzed judgment regarding love. Yes, I have had some great men come into my life, but I have also come across some creeps too. Problem is - the good ones I didn't seem to recognize. Still not sure if I would be able to target them.
Countless men who have taken MORE than their fair share of my goods. Not enough fingers and toes combined could tally a number. Sad and pitiful that no numbers can be assigned to something that is supposed to be a precious production of life. Those fingertips have forever printed my life. My past haunts me everyday, no matter where I go or do. I hear the voices of the men, the scent of wild sex, the laughter, snickers as others pass by and, the wonderment of men who never got the opportunity to hit.
Some days, I'm good. Other days depending on the way the wind blows - I'm gloomy and depressed. Those damn fingerprints keep leaving nasty trails for me to revert back to mentally. Paw prints which should have been prince prints . . . always remain. Sucks when those thoughts present themselves. Fingerprints of hell exist, hot hot hell.
No matter how many times I shower or scrub harder, those prints - omnipresent. Remain like Cancer. I'm always hopeful that showering will erase those fingerprints, but the warm water only removes the germs, not the permanent memories.
These are the fingerprints of my past . . .
It all started when I was a mere lassie, close to six years old or so. Playing hiding-go-seek with the neighborhood boys who always seemed to be looking for jollies. Teenage babysitters getting their rocks off too. Even mature relative cousins seeing what IT was like. I suppose its easier to get it from someone who is younger because they have no idea what's happening. Taking advantage of innocense is what I call it.
Why was I the target? Where was my mother? How come she didn't protect me? How come I didn't know it wasn't okay?
Today my confidence has been raped. Today I have visions of those bastard rubbing and tugging over my surface. Today, snippets of their ruff hands play in my head over and over. The attic, the station wagon, under the preschool table, neighbor's laundry room, and the list continues . . .
Inside I am screaming, but no one hears my pain. No one really understands the trauma, the outcome, the afterlife, the risks, the neverending reputation associated with me no matter how hard I try, and most all, the paralyzed judgment regarding love. Yes, I have had some great men come into my life, but I have also come across some creeps too. Problem is - the good ones I didn't seem to recognize. Still not sure if I would be able to target them.
Countless men who have taken MORE than their fair share of my goods. Not enough fingers and toes combined could tally a number. Sad and pitiful that no numbers can be assigned to something that is supposed to be a precious production of life. Those fingertips have forever printed my life. My past haunts me everyday, no matter where I go or do. I hear the voices of the men, the scent of wild sex, the laughter, snickers as others pass by and, the wonderment of men who never got the opportunity to hit.
Some days, I'm good. Other days depending on the way the wind blows - I'm gloomy and depressed. Those damn fingerprints keep leaving nasty trails for me to revert back to mentally. Paw prints which should have been prince prints . . . always remain. Sucks when those thoughts present themselves. Fingerprints of hell exist, hot hot hell.
No matter how many times I shower or scrub harder, those prints - omnipresent. Remain like Cancer. I'm always hopeful that showering will erase those fingerprints, but the warm water only removes the germs, not the permanent memories.
These are the fingerprints of my past . . .
Free at Last
Lashes quarantine tears for as long as they could
No more captivity
Liberating departure
Pinnacle fullfilled
Set position like a runner in blocks
Gun bellows
Fire forced emotion initiated cascade
Free at last
Crawling down the heap first
Slow Samba
Sudden acceleration as memories surface
Tears no longer afaid to dance
Dance a dangerous duo
Free at last
Fallen without lashes' permission
Like raindrops overpower clouds in a heavy storm
Fire dripping down the cliffs
Ashes mark residue
Free at Last
Eluding custody
Toward hopeful independence
Tears - a silent emotion
Not for bondage
But for Expression
LET IT OUT
ITS OKAY TO CRY
No more captivity
Liberating departure
Pinnacle fullfilled
Set position like a runner in blocks
Gun bellows
Fire forced emotion initiated cascade
Free at last
Crawling down the heap first
Slow Samba
Sudden acceleration as memories surface
Tears no longer afaid to dance
Dance a dangerous duo
Free at last
Fallen without lashes' permission
Like raindrops overpower clouds in a heavy storm
Fire dripping down the cliffs
Ashes mark residue
Free at Last
Eluding custody
Toward hopeful independence
Tears - a silent emotion
Not for bondage
But for Expression
LET IT OUT
ITS OKAY TO CRY
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Heartbeat
Today, I felt a heartbeat
Wondered if it was forever
Wasn't mine, belonged elsewhere
Felt pleasant like spring
The closeness
The rhythmn
Proximity made me fade away
Ran the other way
Held back my feelings
Tried to respect home
But drumbeat left an impression
I still feel it humming
Pressing against my back
Really wasn't mine to feel
Or enjoy, but I did
Fastasy - what if it was mine to feel?
Reality - the heartbeat belong to someone else
Simply happen to be near
Stole another's heartbeat maybe
Mate would be upset if closeness revealed
Heatbeat felt natural
One day
I hope to feel my own's mate's heartbeat.
Wondered if it was forever
Wasn't mine, belonged elsewhere
Felt pleasant like spring
The closeness
The rhythmn
Proximity made me fade away
Ran the other way
Held back my feelings
Tried to respect home
But drumbeat left an impression
I still feel it humming
Pressing against my back
Really wasn't mine to feel
Or enjoy, but I did
Fastasy - what if it was mine to feel?
Reality - the heartbeat belong to someone else
Simply happen to be near
Stole another's heartbeat maybe
Mate would be upset if closeness revealed
Heatbeat felt natural
One day
I hope to feel my own's mate's heartbeat.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Draino
Ten years squandered
Never to be recanted
Stretches of hopefull and disappointing experiences disfigured
Push and pull, the whole time through
Tug of war
Two people move
but at scattered times
Like Checkmate - your turn, my turn
but never OUR turn
Frozen memories infinity
New York,
Peering at shooting stars,
Love making in unison,
Camping, kickboxing, and dining
Together
Happy times always pleasant to remember
Depressing moments too
Cold and hot, not sure the outcome
Warm Mix?
Not sure of outcome . . . too many happenings
Trust raped on both parts
Lies to protect love
Creates more damage
Hurts
Tears burn racing down cheek mountains
Feels like FIRE
Sweaty
Strong heartbeat
Glossy eyes
Confused
What to do?
Logic says, "let it go"
Body says, "sex feels good"
Heart says, "stay and try again" because
Love endures
Other half finally admits
No future seen ahead
Too many false rumors separate us
Some lies - some truths
Abundance can't be separated
No ring, no aisle, no "will you marry me?"
JUST times stabilized and nothing more
Hurts
Let it go, let it go. Nothing more, but to move.
See other people.
Never quite the same.
Looking for same features.
Never found.
What to do?
Where to start?
Tens years sqandered
like DRAINO!
Never to be recanted
Stretches of hopefull and disappointing experiences disfigured
Push and pull, the whole time through
Tug of war
Two people move
but at scattered times
Like Checkmate - your turn, my turn
but never OUR turn
Frozen memories infinity
New York,
Peering at shooting stars,
Love making in unison,
Camping, kickboxing, and dining
Together
Happy times always pleasant to remember
Depressing moments too
Cold and hot, not sure the outcome
Warm Mix?
Not sure of outcome . . . too many happenings
Trust raped on both parts
Lies to protect love
Creates more damage
Hurts
Tears burn racing down cheek mountains
Feels like FIRE
Sweaty
Strong heartbeat
Glossy eyes
Confused
What to do?
Logic says, "let it go"
Body says, "sex feels good"
Heart says, "stay and try again" because
Love endures
Other half finally admits
No future seen ahead
Too many false rumors separate us
Some lies - some truths
Abundance can't be separated
No ring, no aisle, no "will you marry me?"
JUST times stabilized and nothing more
Hurts
Let it go, let it go. Nothing more, but to move.
See other people.
Never quite the same.
Looking for same features.
Never found.
What to do?
Where to start?
Tens years sqandered
like DRAINO!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Blood Tied, but Fate Defeated
Shared the same womb
grew up in identical habitats
mutual chambers
my shoulder, her pillow.
Blood bears us
Shared the same garments
bathed together
sipped from one straw
even used one utensil a time or two.
Ancestry connects us
Shared Saturday morning smiles
Smurfs, Scooby Doo, Snorks, and Super Friends
one floor television
one warm afghan
Red juice marries us
Shared Video games: Vectrex, Artari, Nintendo
one remote
single Apple Macintosh computer
one keyboard
Lineage merge us
DHS - where we studied subjects synonymously
Lay-uped under the same ball net
Ran together, cheered together
Traces still remain after graduation
Unwarranted Distance introduces himself
Higher education initiated farewell
EKU and UT, miles apart
fresh friends
worn memories replaced by uncontaminated experiences
Distance widens himself, omnipresent
Parents mirror progeny, and part too
Hound Boomer, inadvertently shipped to foreign territory
Accordance interrupted like the Red Sea
Unison once polished, now tarnished
Distance perhaps through obedience, in sync with Fate
Each dwell in four states
Illinois, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Tennessee
blood holds the ties
and warrants trips
Jealous Distance ailed by the abandoned memories being rehashed
Trips minimized considerably
communication reduced
new marriages, homes, siblings, states, and professions
ALL NEW
Distance and Fate close now
Complete polar opposites
Black and white
North and South
Blood tied, souls disconnected
Distance and Fate have married
Steady tiffs replace once joyous moments
words box
committed to knock-out
harmony dissipated, tears dance a slow samba
Distance perhaps too far gone, desires a discount, Fate refuses compromise
Time buries history, refuses to unveil past
Distance and Fate do a duo dance
Fate fights ferociously
Distance desires a discount
Fate and Time team up
Distance’s strength dies down
Fate and Time defeat distance.
Blood doesn’t battle, yet remains taunted
lifeless like a weed in a desolate field
Blood waits for Fate, Distance, and Time to show her grace again.
“One accord, one day. We’ll all be together."
grew up in identical habitats
mutual chambers
my shoulder, her pillow.
Blood bears us
Shared the same garments
bathed together
sipped from one straw
even used one utensil a time or two.
Ancestry connects us
Shared Saturday morning smiles
Smurfs, Scooby Doo, Snorks, and Super Friends
one floor television
one warm afghan
Red juice marries us
Shared Video games: Vectrex, Artari, Nintendo
one remote
single Apple Macintosh computer
one keyboard
Lineage merge us
DHS - where we studied subjects synonymously
Lay-uped under the same ball net
Ran together, cheered together
Traces still remain after graduation
Unwarranted Distance introduces himself
Higher education initiated farewell
EKU and UT, miles apart
fresh friends
worn memories replaced by uncontaminated experiences
Distance widens himself, omnipresent
Parents mirror progeny, and part too
Hound Boomer, inadvertently shipped to foreign territory
Accordance interrupted like the Red Sea
Unison once polished, now tarnished
Distance perhaps through obedience, in sync with Fate
Each dwell in four states
Illinois, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Tennessee
blood holds the ties
and warrants trips
Jealous Distance ailed by the abandoned memories being rehashed
Trips minimized considerably
communication reduced
new marriages, homes, siblings, states, and professions
ALL NEW
Distance and Fate close now
Complete polar opposites
Black and white
North and South
Blood tied, souls disconnected
Distance and Fate have married
Steady tiffs replace once joyous moments
words box
committed to knock-out
harmony dissipated, tears dance a slow samba
Distance perhaps too far gone, desires a discount, Fate refuses compromise
Time buries history, refuses to unveil past
Distance and Fate do a duo dance
Fate fights ferociously
Distance desires a discount
Fate and Time team up
Distance’s strength dies down
Fate and Time defeat distance.
Blood doesn’t battle, yet remains taunted
lifeless like a weed in a desolate field
Blood waits for Fate, Distance, and Time to show her grace again.
“One accord, one day. We’ll all be together."
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